Resistance: Is it fear or just not right for you?
Resistance is something we all experience. Whether it manifests through procrastination, avoidance, indecision, wrong choices, overwhelm, or distraction. If we aren’t 100% confident in our choice we are probably resisting. Sometimes we even resist things we want to do/experience/have!
So why do we resist?
Resistance can be both a natural and a conditioned reaction.
The brain in all its glory has not really evolved beyond the constraints of fearing being eaten by a SaberTooth Tiger. Our natural physiologic initial reaction to just about everyting is fear and negative. However, most people do have a handle on this reaction when it comes to daily life, but chances are it still arises when something new is on the horizon.
When you add factors like familial and societal pressures, ever increasing demands on our time and energy, expectations, and judgement, we can fret and worry about what others will think. We become conditioned to resist making choices.
So how can you tell if your resistance to making a choice is fear or something that just isn’t right for you?
Unfortunately, there is no one right answer, but I do have some tips that will help you move past resistance.
check in with your body
Did you know that the brain interprets the physical sensations of excitement and fear/anxiety as the same? Because the brain wants to protect you from the tigers, it automatically reacts as if anything new is a negative experience. The good news is you can teach yourself (and your brain) to more acurately assess situations.
Think of a time when you were super excited about something (it’s important to choose something that went well) and notice the sensations in your body. Write down what you are physically feeling and where it is located in your body. Then encode this information as excitement by speaking it out loud, “When I feel ____ in my ____, I am excited.”
Do the same thing, this time thinking about something scary you would never want to do (like sleeping in a hammock several hundred feet over a canyon… you know, something terrifying). Once you identify and locate the sensation in your body, encode it by saying, “When I feel ____ in my ____, I am genuinely afraid.”
These guideposts give you the ability to more objectively check in with yourself. Are you genuinely afraid? Excited? Or maybe you are feeling both? Fear is a natural response to something new, but feeling afraid or anxious doesn’t necessarily mean the choice isn’t right for you and you may need further investigation.
check in with your mind
Now it’s time to check in with the mind chatter. Write down all the thoughts, questions, and concerns. It’s important to get it out of your head and onto paper for several reasons: a. it helps stops the swirling and ruminating; b. when you can see the fears written out they are much easier to confront (and usually far less than it felt like were swirling in your head); and c. you can evaluate them one at a time.
Look over your list objectively. That means no self-judgement, no shame, no guilt, no ridicule! When you berate yourself it only makes the fear cycle worse and causes further trauma.
With a sharpie, black out anything you know isn’t true. This action cancels out the story helping your brain to filter it out in the future.
Evaluate the remaining items. If the fear actually belongs to you beause of past trauma or experience, honor it with a highlighter. If the fear was conditioned into you by family, friends, peers, or society and it isn’t aligned with your current beliefs and values, cross it out with a red marker. This actiion says, “I recognize your beliefs and I don’t accept them as mine.”
Now rewrite the highlighted fears on a new piece of paper. Notice how you feel when you do this. Does it feel validating? Limiting? Cathartic? Or icky? If anything feels ready to go, do some healing around the situation so you can move forward.
Take a look at whatever is left on your list. Do any of these fears, questions, concerns actually apply to the current situation or choice you want to make?
Next ask, “What is the worst thing that could happen if I make this choice?” then, “What’s the best thing that could happen?” Evaluate whether the best thing, or any good outcomes outweigh the worst outcome.
Then make a “mock” choice and check in with your body. What response are you feeling?
what if your body and mind aren’t in agreement?
If you have ever worked with me, you’ve heard me say, “the body never lies, the mind will but the body doesn’t.”
Sadly, the mind is often much louder than the body which is why we get into these predicaments in the first place. It’s a matter of practicing, getting to know yourself, and listening to your body.
Remember the SaberTooth Tiger at the beginning? Well, there aren’t any tigers running around today, and the world isn’t going to blow up, and chances are the decision you are trying to make won’t kill you either (even though your mind is behaving as if all this were true.)
my personal experience with resistance
Let me share a personal example that will hopefully give you some clarity.
Recently, I signed up for a course and I thought I was really excited about doing it. It was going to bring expansion and growth and connection, all good things.
As the start date approached, I began to feel resistance to the required preparation. I’m usually resistant to requirements and rules so I pressed on anyway.
However, the resistance continued and increased right up to the start date. So much so that I was becoming lethargic and dreading the first live call.
I decided to sit with myself and observe my mind and my body to better understand what I was resisting. I asked myself, “Is this resistance based in fear or because this just isn’t right for me?”
My head said ”this is going to be awesome, you get so much out of working with this group, you can help people even more, and you’ve spent the money so you should do it.” All valid thoughts, except the money comment which was definitely conditioning so I disregarded that. “The course is a good positive thing, it’s online, it’s only 3 weeks, how can it be bad?”
My body quietly said “no, I don’t want to do anything else, it’s too much right now, it doesn’t feel aligned, I still need to rest and restore.”
Well that was conflicting information that makes things perfectly muddy… who do I listen to? I could have gone around and around like that for hours but instead I went back to the beginning.
I took myself back to when I first signed up. I remembered I made the decision during the early stages of my chrysalis phase (a time of transformation between who I was and not yet who I am going to be). At the time, I was deeply resisting the stillness and pause, wanting answers and action and movement. There were too many questions to be answered, too many things to be done and I feared the wait.
My mind was loud and full of positive, growth-focused enthusiasm talking me out of waiting in the unknown. In that moment I realized I had actually made the decision based on fear.
In hindsight, I remember that my body did try to inform me through subtle sensations that it was too much and the timing wasn’t right but the fear won.
Fortunately, I have learned the importance of giving myself grace and permission to change my mind without punishing myself. In this case it just wasn’t right for me so I listened to my body and decided to do the course at a later date. Even if I had been out the money, I received a beautiful lesson on how to listen to my body better.
I can now continue my chrysalis phase without the distraction and weight of resistance effecting my growth process.
finding your own clarity
If you are feeling resistance around anything in your life…
approach your personal learning and growth with objective self-awareness (non-judgment is EVERYTHING)
try the practices above to better know yourself and your unique inner-communication signals
give yourself permission to make decisions for yourself and to change your mind when it’s right for you
know there are no mistakes (and no loose man-eating tigers), every choice has value even the ones we perceive as wrong
practice grace and self-forgiveness (because berating yourself helps no one EVER)
always be open to asking yourself “Is it fear or just not right for me?”
